okay, this post has nothing to do with vampirism. but it was a heavy experience, and i want to include it anyway, as this is kind of also a diary.

last night i had what was probably a migraine, and if so, it was my first ever. it started with a spot in the centre of my vision (but just the left eye) which got kind of sparkly and shivering and in which i couldn’t see anymore (apparently a scintillating scotoma), which then developed into a full migraine aura. i was at my trans support group, and recognising the symptoms (both my mother and my best friend suffer from bad migraines) asked if anybody had an aspirin or such so that i could prevent the pain i was expecting.

a new person was there, she’s 60, a dr, and about two years post-op. with grey hair and a kindly face. she digs in her purse and hands over some pill, it said “prescription only” on the packet, and said to take two if it was bad. i always take two. they worked: i didn’t get any pain, or rather, the pain was efficiently covered up.

they also worked in getting me completely stoned/high. which is a problem, because i am an addict. i have (should i say i had?) nine years sobriety, but that doesn’t mean that i’m any more capable of dealing with drugs than i was before. and i hadn’t been high like this for nine years. it felt so damn freaking good. my whole body felt good like it hasn’t had in years. nothing was hurting. my head stopped spinning at 100’000 rpm and got calm. it was just good.

and then the effects started to weaken. and i realised that i could never do that again. that i could never again just take something to make me feel so good. no matter how much i want it. because i know damn well what lies down that path. and it is anything but happy.

today there are also the recriminations. i feel damn stupid. why did i take some random drug from a stranger? without even asking what it was? why the heck did i think it was okay to trust this kindly old lady (why a lady of 60 years randomly carries opiates in her purse is another question)? am i really this damn stupid? and can i still claim being nine years sober? does it matter that it was an accident?

i feel sick.

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