two conversations

i wanted to post this earlier, as these conversations occurred last sunday. i had two conversations about being a donor. the first was face to face with my best rl friend O. the second, a bit later and online with my other best friend, W.

talking with O is like having a long session with a very good therapist. he challenges me in the very best of ways to think about what i’m saying, what i’m feeling underneath it, and why i’m feeling that way. except that instead of sitting in some office or something we’re having tea, full meals, and often sleep-overs. the big question i had to work out with him was just how crazy i have become (or if i have become crazy). he turned the question around on me, asking why i am so worried about having gone crazy.

he says that really what i’m doing isn’t that far out. i’m going to meet somebody i’ve met on the internet, i have been doing that for ten years by now. millions of other people do so to, and the vast majority of those encounters go well. not to mention eras before the internet, when one might go meet somebody one had known only through letters. admittedly i haven’t know this person for as long as i have known other people before meeting them in corpore, but i feel that it is okay. he also relativises just how uncommon donating to a vampire and my desire to do so might be. for myself i also want to put into perspective the risk of meeting this established and well-known member of the vampire community against the risks i might be running by hooking up with some unknown and inexperienced person in a goth event.

put like that, as an unusual but hardly insane choice, why then the fear that i’ve finally snapped? the wording might give a clue: it is far from the first time that i’ve felt that fear. thinking about it, i would say it lies at least to some degree in my upbringing. i was brought up in a very vanilla environment. middle-class, stay at home mum, dad with a steady career. socio-economically on a rising branch and now definitely “upper” class. this despite the rather unusual early family history (hippies, revolutionaries, deep in a cult). at the same time i experienced a very liberal education, with pretty much no limits as to what i could do or ask about or read.

so i have wild ideas, because i really profited from that permission to read. but at the same time i have very few role-models of people living outside the norm. which leaves me kind of floating free when it comes to judging how far it might be reasonable to go, and where we enter lala-land. and it is important to me to still be socially legitimate.

all in all this first conversation helped me calm my anxiety about this being “too extreme”.

the second conversation, with W, was less happy. she has been my best friend for ten years, and continues to be so. i really do love her very much, and she loves me. if things had gone differently, we might be a couple. she is, understandably so, very worried about what i am doing. she fears i’m going to get hurt, that she’s going to lose me to the glamour of this vampire, that she’s going to lose me body and heart and soul.

it’s difficult, because i do not want her to worry, i do not want to hurt her. i try to reassure her that i’m doing everything i can to do this safely. that i’m not going get hurt. that this is a real desire i have, to give of myself like this, and not some weird form of self-injury by proxy. that despite everything i love her just as much as ever. i want her to understand that i am doing this with great joy, that it is a happy event. and that i will never ever leave her behind.

she has been hurt very badly in the past. and i understand how difficult it is to see somebody you love expose themselves to that kind of hurt by choice, by their own free will. of course it seems messed up. but there is the huge big difference that everything was forced on her, and she wasn’t even capable of saying no, much less of getting the people who hurt her to respect that. while i am very capable of saying no, and know that it will be respected. and i am doing this because i desire to do it.

i really do love her. but i need to do this too.

  1. I am really confused…is “vampire” literal? And what are you donating exactly?

      • diss
      • February 5th, 2009

      vampire is literal, kind of. if you read my “about” page, you will see what i mean by “real vampire”.

      and i’m going to be donating blood – the vampire will make an incision with a blade and drink a moderate amount of blood, less than the red cross takes.

    • Willow
    • February 8th, 2009

    I’m not worried about the “glamour”, but rather about your health–both physical and mental. And I know you’ve made your choice and that hurts me. That nothing I can say makes you consider anything. Your “new friends” are more important… and your desire to be anything but normal.

    I think I’ve already lost you.

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