Archive for March, 2009

blood drive

several times a year they hold a blood-drive at my university, something a greatly approve of. i have an established ritual with these things:

because i strongly approve of giving blood, and think that all healthy people should give blood, i go and ask them if i can donate. and as we run down the checklist, there’s always some reason why i can’t. so i’ve never given blood.

but this time, as we were going through the checklist, i suddenly realised that i didn’t want to donate. i now have a better use for my blood. or at least, one that lies closer to my heart. i need it to feed my vampire.

before i became a donor, my blood was never really important to me. suddenly, the value it has for those i care for has made it become valuable in my eyes too.

what i want

today i was reading the net, going through various links i’d opened and never had time to read properly, when i found five or six diary entries on a website called “blood and coffee”. unfortunately the website seems to be slowly disintegrating, it has lots of dead links even internally. they are written with some remove, they’re dated 2002, but relate events which the writer experienced some twenty years earlier.

in particularly the first entry (the second part, describing her first feeding experience) is extremely visceral. i read through it with shudders running down my back, a tremendous desire, a want and need. i re-read it five or six times. i came back, read it again, and still the shudders are running down my back, setting my wings trembling. as i read it again to write this post i – i have no words to describe this feeling.

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untrained talent

i’ve not updated in a few days, mostly because of being rather busy in my mundane life – i.e. school, work, friendship. something fun was getting interviewed yesterday during two hours for tv; not about vampirism, but gender issues. the program will only air in autumn, and i’ll of course not be in it for two hours (i’ll be happy if i get five minutes), and it’s in french, but i’ll update when it’s on.

anyway, i wanted to write a bit about donoring today. actually, i want to write a lot about donoring, i want to write about how it feels, how it works, my relationships with my vampires (when i say “my” vampires i mean the vampires i donate to, i do not use the term possessively), and much more, but that would go massively beyond what i have time to write today. instead i’ll just talk about some unexpected experienced linked to donating psi.

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how i became a donor

(note: i’m a bit feverish, i’m not sure how coherent the following will be)

in a previous thread my friend Willow commented on how my revelation to her that i am a donor came out of the blue to her, and surprised and shocked her. and indeed, my desire to be a donor is not something that i used to talk about – to most people it is not exactly an anodyne subject. i guess in some ways it is comparable to coming out as gay to somebody who never suspected it of you. and i suspect others who have known me longer might also be surprised if/when they find out.

for those, and for myself, i think it is important to know that this is not some new lark, soon to be forgotten. this is a desire which has been with me for most of my life, the only thing which is new is that i’m actualising my desire now. here is how i came to this point:

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why do we do this?

this is a question i imagine puzzles quite a few people, and i know that many vampires are disturbed by it: why do we donors, we crimson and crystal and amber swans, give of ourselves the way we do?

it is a tricky question for me too, which i have spent some time thinking about. as is to be expected i have found many reasons for becoming donors, some of them quite simple and straightforward, some of them complex and possibly troubling.

at a very basic level i have come to distinguish three, possibly four types of donors (i’m not sure that the fourth type actually exists, but i’ll get to that later). the first type is what i call the compassionate donor. the second i call the fetishistic donor. the third, which i think could possibly be conflated with the second, is the vampire fan. finally, the fourth type of donor is what i call the “natural” donor. from what i’ve seen these are quite distinct types of donors, they have distinct motivations and behaviours.

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bunch of links

just a short post, i started putting up some of the links i’ve been collecting on vampirism. i have more, and would like to eventually get a proper commented link-list up, but these are more or less the ones i consider most important. if you hover your mouse over the links, there should be little descriptions appearing. some are both fora and informational, so they appear twice.

the most informational one is sanguinarius.org, and you’re most likely to find me at vcmb and black swan haven.

should the vampire community be secret?

there is an ongoing discussion in the various vampire communities about whether the vampire community should be out or should remain secret. opinions on the subject vary wildly, and emotions run high.* however, the cat is pretty much out of the bag, and whatever our individual positions are we have to deal with a growing public awareness of real vampirism.

the following is very slightly adapted from something i wrote on the smoke and mirrors message board,** and outlines my own position on being out.

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