how i became a donor

(note: i’m a bit feverish, i’m not sure how coherent the following will be)

in a previous thread my friend Willow commented on how my revelation to her that i am a donor came out of the blue to her, and surprised and shocked her. and indeed, my desire to be a donor is not something that i used to talk about – to most people it is not exactly an anodyne subject. i guess in some ways it is comparable to coming out as gay to somebody who never suspected it of you. and i suspect others who have known me longer might also be surprised if/when they find out.

for those, and for myself, i think it is important to know that this is not some new lark, soon to be forgotten. this is a desire which has been with me for most of my life, the only thing which is new is that i’m actualising my desire now. here is how i came to this point:

i can trace my desire to be a donor back some twenty years, though i didn’t have any words for it, nor did i know of the existence of real vampires. i was thirteen or so and going through a very troubled puberty, with gender issues and sexuality and body-image all in massive conflict. i was reading Anne Rice’s “Interview With The Vampire”; or perhaps it was “The Vampire Lestat” or “The Queen Of The Damned”, forgive me if i don’t remember the details, i haven’t reread those books since. i read a lot of books which were a bit ahead of my age, we had an extensive library at home, and was encouraged to read everything.

Rice’s vampires are of course very attractive. they are physically beautiful, they are powerful, almost immortal; they experience intense lust and desire, and (some, at least) have immense self-control. they give an image of a societal outsider who is powerful, who one could aspire to be; and even today i often feel myself to be an outsider to society, and struggle with feeling valued because of that. nonetheless i didn’t want to be a vampire. there was however something else.

at one point in the book we find ourselves in italy, maybe a thousand years ago; or maybe in rome, i forget, and it hardly matters. one of the vampires is in love with a mortal human, who lives with the vampire, is his lover, and allows him to drink from him. from the vampire’s point of view we experience the ecstatic pleasure of feeding, and the effort not to feed too much, not to hurt him, as his lover and donor swoons at his feet.

it was at that moment that i knew what i wanted to be in relation to vampires. i wanted to be their lover and donor. not the hapless victim picked at random, fed from in a raging bloodlust tainted with guilt, the lifeless body discarded like chaff. but the lover, the one who willingly gives of him or herself, who by their willingness absolves the vampire of their guilt, and shares in their ecstasy. later in the story, when the donor gets turned and becomes a vampire himself, i felt saddened because he would no longer be able to give that gift.

i would not have been able to put it into words like this back then. i did not have words to understand, just wild raw feelings and images and desires. but it was the first time i’d encountered the idea of what i now call the donor; of an individual who’s not a victim, who has as much agency as the vampire, who gives willingly of themself.

i have read and seen quite a few other such accounts of willing donors since then, and continue to feel an ache of desire to be in their place, but of course these accounts were always fictional, were fantasy or horror, never real, and i fully expected them to remain this way. until, a few years back, at some obscure hour of the night, i came across a documentary about real vampires in america.

i do not recall the name of the documentary,* and recognise now that there was much which we didn’t have a lot to do with vampirism. there were segments about bloody stage-shows in new york, they talked with a fangsmith; there was a segment in a club in san francisco which on it’s top floor provided it’s customers with sterile blades, disinfectants, etc., they talked with a donor and showed her being fed on; they talked with somebody suffering from a bad case of porphyry who bought blood at a butchers and concocted vile drinks with blended raw liver which he believed helped him; and finally showed a couple somewhere in midwestern suburbia where, some time into the relationship one of them had revealed that they were a vampire, and the other had reluctantly become their donor.

i was fascinated of course, because this meant that there were real vampires, real donors. i tried speaking to a few people about the documentary, but they really didn’t get it. and frankly, i wasn’t in the best of spots back then, so i let it drop. but the idea that there were real vampires out there was firmly stuck in my head.

it took some time but eventually i was doing much better in my life. i started allowing myself to feel my desires, to explore what i wanted. and some months ago, this november, i started searching the net for vampires. and i discovered something much bigger than i had ever hoped.

*if anybody reading this recognises this documentary and knows more about it, please let me know? you’d have my eternal gratitude.

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    • unknown
    • May 18th, 2009

    ok now i know this sounds really out there and wild.but i NEED to find a REAL vamp not one that THINKS. he/she is. for my whole life since i was about 5 i am now 18 i wanted to find one i have searched the internet and all i find is dumb stuff that is just not what i am looking for. if you could help me in anyway i would soooo greatly apprechiate it. thank you soo much!!

    • hey, look. it really depends what you mean by “real” vamp. if you’re looking for the kind of vampire you find portrayed in Anne Rice’s books or in hollywood movies, i have to disappoint you. i have not found the slightest indication that they exist.

      if you’re looking for what i call a real vampire, somebody who has a real need to drink blood or absorb energy, then start reading on places like sanguinarius.org or any of the many other sites maintaines by real vamps.

      hope this helps

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