what i want

today i was reading the net, going through various links i’d opened and never had time to read properly, when i found five or six diary entries on a website called “blood and coffee”. unfortunately the website seems to be slowly disintegrating, it has lots of dead links even internally. they are written with some remove, they’re dated 2002, but relate events which the writer experienced some twenty years earlier.

in particularly the first entry (the second part, describing her first feeding experience) is extremely visceral. i read through it with shudders running down my back, a tremendous desire, a want and need. i re-read it five or six times. i came back, read it again, and still the shudders are running down my back, setting my wings trembling. as i read it again to write this post i – i have no words to describe this feeling.

to be able to fulfil another’s desire, a need that runs so deep that they’d abandon all societal norms, transgress against all rules. to give such unbound pleasure. to… i can’t rationalise this. my desire to feed a vampire is just as big as the vampire’s need to feed. all the extra, the giving pleasure, the helping another, the desire for intimacy, that’s all just rationalisation after the fact.

i do not want a vampire who’ll make a little incision and lick up a few drops, and then apologise profusely for having hurt me so. i do not want a vampire who apologises for what they are. i do not want a vampire who will not feed because we might run out of disinfectant or something stupid like that.* i want a vampire who loses him- or herself in the need. who allows themself to be overtaken by the pure rush of feeding. who will take what they need, who will slake their thirst completely.

vampirism is not polite. vampirism does not fit into civil conversations at the dinner table. vampirism is raw and dark and grimy and violent and urgent and (excuse the pun) bloody. and as much as i appreciate being able to have interesting discussions and hold polite discourse, when the vampire feeds from me i want that second part, the need and the urgency and the blood.

*disclaimer: you should always practice safe bloodletting (the link is a rather frank and possibly NSFW discussion on blood safety – it is only a start to learning safe bloodletting)! if you should consciously and consensually chose to ignore a safety practice, then please at least be aware of the risks you are taking and the possible consequences for both you and your vampire/donor.

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  1. June 15th, 2009

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