Archive for April, 2009

“force-feeding” take two

so my router just died. internet, telly, everything – not that i was watching telly. i was however in mid-chat, and talking with H, and both conversations got cut short abruptly. normally i’d just restart the router, and would have everything up and running again in a minute. but we’ve got a guest sleeping in the office, and i need to physically restart the router, and it’s 4:30 am; so there goes that option. i did just now briefly consider flicking the circuit breaker, but that’d probably cause a whole range of devices in the office to restart and would be just as disturbing.

so, as i don’t have internet to distract me, i guess why not work on a post. and considering that i’ve got nothing to distract me it might end up a little lengthy and rambling. i’ve really got two issues i want to think/write about tonight, which might be slightly linked. the first is my “force-feeding” – i really need to find a better word for that. the second is jealousy, a remix.

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going public

just a minor update. i’ve never kept this site secret as such. since the beginning it’s been public in the sense that it was included in wordpress’ search features and could be indexed (and found by) google et al.

i also very early on gave the link to a few of my closest friends whom i had told about being a donor.

but i have been rather more reluctant about mentioning it in the vampire community. up until now i’ve only ever given the link personally to individuals whom i trusted to some degree or whom i wished to share something specific with. having had overall good feedback, and feeling a little more sure about what i want this blog to be, i have now put links to being a swan into my profiles on the various vampire sites i frequent.

i want to take this opportunity to state that i am not an authority on vampire issues. i’m no authority on donor questions either. i have no pretensions on authority. i have now been involved in the vampire community for less than half a year. this blog aims at chronicling my personal experience of being a donor. if i occasionally muse about larger issues concerning vampirism (which i admittedly do quite regularly) then those are my personal thoughts based on my limited observation and reading. i do not ask you to agree with anything i say, and invite you to share your own thoughts.

haunted by her voice – 2

last night (two nights ago now) i was chatting with C on messenger when she asked if i wanted to call her.

i do not like the phone, i do not know what i sound like, i worry about my voice, i find it scary, in the worst case i get panic attacks (please please please never call me when i’m sleeping!). but it was C. asking me to call her. and. i needed to.

my tummy got upset. i had to clean stuff up. wash up. feed the cat. it took me a moment to get my stuff together. but finally i had everything together. dialed her number. waited for the connection. heard it ring. heard her voice.

i was surprised by her voice. do you know how it is when you’ve known somebody for ages. you’ve read ten of thousands of words written by her, if not more. you’ve spent long nights chatting together. you’ve seen dozens of pictures. but nothing prepares you for their voice.

her voice is sweet and beautiful. clear like a child’s, like a flute, or crystal bells. her voice is like music.

i wrote more, much more in my other post. but it was too private, too intimate for me to share publicly. it is shared between her and me. we spoke long. i made promises. i will go see her. i can not forget her voice, her sweet beautiful voice.

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intermission – a story

i’ve mentioned before that i was working on a story, a short work of fiction. i’ve completed a first full draft, have had it proof-read, edited it a bit more, and now i can proudly present you:


(click the link above, or get to it from the sidebar). please peruse it, and i would welcome comments and feedback. despite it being primarily a work of fiction, and enjoyable to write as such, i also had some ulterior motives. read the story first, and then see beneath the cut for my thoughts on it.

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daily life

vampirism, and being a donor, sounds like a very exciting life. there’s intense emotions, intimacy, needs, feeding, blades, and not at all last there’s blood. but when you look a little closer it is a lot less exciting. as a donor, what do i actually do that’s related to vampirism? not that very much. i check out the vcmb and blackswanhaven, i might have a quick look at a few other places, late at night i’ll log into chat where we mainly joke around. i’ll talk with H most days, but she usually doesn’t feed from me more than two or three times a week.

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this is something which took me a little by surprise. i don’t think i’ve ever been a particularly jealous person. i’ve never envied other people’s relationships, even when they’ve made me feel painfully lonely. i’ve never hedged any ill-wishes towards those who were lucky enough to be loved by the ones i loved; if anything i extended my love to include them. yet now i find myself feeling jealous of other donors, and i do not like these feelings; they are ugly to me.

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