jealousy

this is something which took me a little by surprise. i don’t think i’ve ever been a particularly jealous person. i’ve never envied other people’s relationships, even when they’ve made me feel painfully lonely. i’ve never hedged any ill-wishes towards those who were lucky enough to be loved by the ones i loved; if anything i extended my love to include them. yet now i find myself feeling jealous of other donors, and i do not like these feelings; they are ugly to me.

i need to nuance a little bit. i have no jealousy of C’s other donors. it was always evident that i wouldn’t be her only donor, indeed that i couldn’t. if nothing else, the physical distance between us makes it impossible for me to give regularly, and even if that were resolved no single donor could give enough to consistently slake her thirst, satisfy her need. so i’m not jealous of her other donors, to the contrary i love them for what they give her. (there’s the more complicated issue of her not having fed for ages, but they are not responsible for that, and this is not an appropriate place to dig into that issue).

more ugly are my feeling towards other random donors. last night a vampire was saying that he’d had an excellent day relaxing with his donor. he’d fed and then they’d fallen asleep together for a few hours. and something in me tightened, hardened, i wanted to be the one he’d fed on, i wanted to be the one he’d fallen asleep with. i wanted to be one he’d used a pet-name for. and this happens quite consistently. i do not begrudge the donors who get to give, and even less the vamps who get to feed. but i want to be fed on too!

the worst and most complicated feelings i have are those about H. i love being her donor, and i think she’s been a very good vampire for me as a beginning donor. but she is a hybrid, and i can’t possibly give her the blood that she needs. and she desperately needs a sang donor. but what if, when she finds a sang donor, she doesn’t need me anymore? this scenario even invades my sleep, i dream that she’s all happy and excited that she’s found a sang donor and i feel devastated. i want to be her sang donor, i don’t want anybody else to take that role. and i hate feeling like that, that in my feelings my possessiveness comes before my vampire’s well-being.

i have no excuse for feeling this way, indeed i find it absurd that i should have these feelings at all. i don’t know any way to deal with them either, other than to watch them and be aware of them and to try not to let them overtake me.

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    • cynsanity
    • April 20th, 2009

    *growls*

    • ClayCat
    • July 4th, 2009

    I’m only just reading this (a day late and a a dollar short), but it would seem to me that jealousy is a normal feeling. It can be an ugly one, but it’s more important how you deal with it than whether or not you felt it.

    Jealousy I think stems from fear, and unfortunately fear of loss is not an unwarranted fear.

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