“force-feeding” take two

so my router just died. internet, telly, everything – not that i was watching telly. i was however in mid-chat, and talking with H, and both conversations got cut short abruptly. normally i’d just restart the router, and would have everything up and running again in a minute. but we’ve got a guest sleeping in the office, and i need to physically restart the router, and it’s 4:30 am; so there goes that option. i did just now briefly consider flicking the circuit breaker, but that’d probably cause a whole range of devices in the office to restart and would be just as disturbing.

so, as i don’t have internet to distract me, i guess why not work on a post. and considering that i’ve got nothing to distract me it might end up a little lengthy and rambling. i’ve really got two issues i want to think/write about tonight, which might be slightly linked. the first is my “force-feeding” – i really need to find a better word for that. the second is jealousy, a remix.

so, to the subject of force-feeding. the loyal reader (i think there might be two or three of you) will remember my post about unexpected talents a while back. for those who didn’t read that before, and don’t want t be bothered to read it now, H had informed me that i was – for lack of a better word – “force-feeding” her. in other words, she said that when i picked up on her being low on energy i would automatically start projecting energy at her, even if she wasn’t attempting to feed from me.

at the time i took a little quiet pride in it (or not so quiet, considering that i posted about it here and on the vcmb). i was already thinking of myself as a “natural*” donor, that i’d go and pick up on my vampire’s energy needs and start fulfilling them without being consciously aware of doing so just confirmed myself in my chosen status. i shouldn’t be surprised that things are turning out a little more complicated than this.

the first extra element must be found in the phone-call with C. C is a sanguinarian vampire, she can drain energy from another, but it is no relief for her vampirism. yet after our call i was so drained that it took me two days to completely get my energy back.** when we talked about it later, we came to the conclusion that it was both her taking and me giving, the whole combined with a very tight link. i was relatively conscious of actively giving during that exchange, but still have little idea of how i do it.

the next element includes S***, a psi vamp whom i occasionally donated to – or so i thought. tonight i learned that i’ve been actively sending energy her way more or less whenever we’ve been interacting, in other words almost nightly. she says that i even managed to send her a little energy when she was in need on the night after i talked with C, when i was feeling deeply drained.

the final element, which brought this to a head, is linked to a slightly traumatic experience which H lived through recently. i had not spoken with her for a few days prior to the event, and was not aware of it until several days afterwards. she tells me that i started actively sending her energy soon after the event, and continued for several days. my own examination of myself makes me believe that i’m still sending almost continuously.

i think that, unfortunately, this all has brought me to a point where i am giving more than i can properly afford to give, and i think i’m showing signs of sympathetic vampirism****. i’m finding it more and more difficult to go out without my sunglasses. this is particularly evident during the day – though one might suppose that it is linked with my hay-fever – but tonight i found myself suffering under the “incredibly bright” lights over the dinner-table and ended up wearing sunglasses indoors at midnight because the lights were giving me a headache. another new thing is that when i did a little energy-work for two friendly vamps this weekend i both times found myself having to restrain from a strong desire to drain them; this is definitely a first.

if these are indeed the first signs of sympathetic vampirism then that means i should take action. at the very least i should learn control this active feeding thing i’ve got going on. that might be slightly tricky.

i am aware that i’m leaving this post without a proper conclusion. i want to thank those who have helped me figure out that something is up, in particular “my” three vamps, but also all the denizens of / v / who have kept insisting when i didn’t want to consider this a potential problem – you know who you are. i also wanted to talk about jealousy, which has a tangential interaction with this subject. but it is now past 6 am, i am feeling rather sleepy, and it would be unwise to embark on such a potentially sensitive subject just now.

i did warn that this might turn out to be a long rambling post, what with the lack of distraction. indeed this is my longest post to date, by a significant margin. perhaps i should shut of the internet more often when i want to write in my blog? on the other hand i fear i might lose my few readers to my longwinded scribblings…

*as a postmodernist student of gender and queerness and sociology i have huge major issues with the concept of nature. my concept of a natural donor is something akin to a reverse vampire, and would apply to people who have an instinct to feed vampires. i am aware that “instinct” is just as loaded as “nature”, but will let it stand here.

**let me just say that i have no regrets at all, that call was something out of this world and well worth two days recovery. i would gladly speak with C again, and am gently chastising myself for not having taken up her recent offer. indeed, one of the thoughts i had when the router went down was that it would be nice to talk with C now, but even though she’s nocturnal i was not about to call uninvited at 4:30 am.

***this seems to be a post where i talk openly about all kinds of things, and i think a few words about S are in order. S is a vampire i offered to donate to back when C was incommunicado, shortly after i had started donating to H and learned how good it makes me feel, on a night when H hadn’t been around for two days or so. i’m not proud at all of what i did then, i was quite conscious that i was acting out my frustration and desire in an unhealthy manner. our first attempts at feeding where a bit rocky, and perhaps it would have been wise to leave it at that. but i won’t regret my choices, even if they sometimes lead me into trouble; that is a decision i took some time ago and which i hold to.

****sympathetic vampirism is a condition found in donors who give more of themselves than they can sustain (and also in involuntary donors who are drained too deeply/too often). donors who experience sympathetic vampirism start showing signs of normal vampirism, including feeding from others. the condition disappears if the donor gets some time to recuperate. if the donor is unaware of sympathetic vampirism it can be mistaken for a vampiric awakening.

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    • jinx
    • April 30th, 2009

    So tell us more about the H and S vampires. Why are you drawn to them? Are you cheating on C? What do you these people give you?

    • may i start by saying that i don’t really approve of people who use bugmenot accounts on non-commercial sites? if you’re going to ask personal questions like that, do you think it’s acceptable to stand in anonymous shadows?

      on the other hand, thank you for the questions. i have been struggling to continue this post, and your questions are relevant. so look forward to a post-length answer sometime soon :)

    • jinx
    • April 30th, 2009

    Thanx. As for my email, I get too much spam to use anything else on sites like this and others. I am very interested in your answers.

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