jealousy take two

in my last post i announced that i wanted to talk about jealousy, and i did start that post yesterday, but got utterly stuck. then late last night somebody (jinx, but it’s an anonimous email) posted this comment to the post:

So tell us more about the H and S vampires. Why are you drawn to them? Are you cheating on C? What do you these people give you?

and actually these are very good hooks for me, and i hope to be able to structure my post with them. so whoever you are, jinx, thanks for the questions.

am i cheating on C? that’s a very hard question. can we even cheat on each other? she has other donors, though she hasn’t fed from them since before we met (but she has met them). part of me wishes that she’d just feed from one of them, it would do her good. but that has to be her choice. and that’s actually part of the answer, i do not think it would be cheating for any of my vamps to use a different donor.

but this is where it gets complicated. what is the vampire/donor relationship? is it a gift* given by one to the other? an exchange of services? an intimate or romantic relationship? a partnership? how one answers these question has huge implications on whether one is cheating, or even whether one can cheat.

my relationships with my vampires are certainly more than just business-like exchanges. i seriously love C, and also love H and S to varying degrees. i do have romantic relationships with them, not in the vulgar sense in which the word is often used today (i.e. as an euphemism for sexual relationships) but in the sense that i love them and that they are important to me and can touch my heart. but for me, loving one doesn’t diminish the love i hold for the others. is it cheating for me to love them all? what if love is exclusive for them?

in my heart i don’t think i’m cheating. maybe i was when i started donating to H, and then to S; i’ll readily admit that my behaviour at that point was kind of slutty**. sitting here today and talking in chat i was thinking that of the eight vamps there, i’d be willing to feed four. so one of them was S, but that’s still three. and you know why i would do that? because i like donating, and i like those vamps, consider them friends. and if those vamps don’t have donors, then they are going to hurt.

C said last night that i am an innocent. maybe i’m just very naive? i don’t really know, these questions confuse me.

i’m going to leave you all with this, because my mind isn’t functioning properly on 2.5 hours sleep and a headache. i do know that other people’s feelings on this might well be very different from mine, they might consider what i’ve been doing to be a form of cheating? i would dearly like to know what you, dear reader, think about this.

*a gift, quite a few even call it a sacrifice. that term bugs me no end. we are not giving anything irreplaceable, and if i sacrifice something it’ll be to a divinity or suchlike. but that’s a different matter.

**point in case: during the course of writing this i linked with another vamp, a sang, and taught her how to psi-feed on me. damn, i am truly a slut.

    • Willow
    • May 1st, 2009

    Is it possible to “be” a slut in the usual sense of the word if you are simply giving yourself to psi-feedings? That’s like having close friendships in a way, where people share everything but don’t get intimate. I think it depends on the definition of “relationship” and what it is you (and they) feel you are doing with each other. If you categorically state you have a bond – as in “I am your vamp, you my donor” and agree that you won’t share, I don’t see a problem. Hell, people (many people) even have open sexual relationships. So, I don’t think you’re cheating. I think you’d have to have a more clearly defined sexual relationship before you can cheat. I don’t even know if it’s possible to have such a single-minded relationship in such a context either. I think that it’s possible to have a close, loving relationship – including a deep level of trust – that can include other donors. I don’t think it’s as clear cut as people make out. Perhaps it depends on the definition of “feeding” and whether that equates to a sexual act. Also, I know your intense need to feel ‘owned’ and I think that makes things complicated. I think you feel if x doesn’t want you entirely and completely, maybe y will…

    • well, being a slut as a donor… depends on definitions. i think i’m a donor slut in as much as i’m happy to offer myself to many different vamps, in particular for psi-feeding. the thing is that feeding is very intimate, and repeated feeding can create quite powerful empathic bonds. so even without a specific agreement between vampire and donor a certain mutual responsibility comes into play.

      once you start feeding/donating sang, the whole risk of disease-transmission comes into play.

      i do agree with open relationships, and don’t really think i was cheating. but i do think i’m a bit of a slut. in a not bad way.

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