dessert

I was at a vampire meet in the german town of cologne this weekend. I’ve been getting involved with this group for a few months now, but this is the first time i met them. As usual with meets you get a mixed bunch of people, many of whom don’t know each other yet or have never met. There is a bit of drama, a bit of “why is s/he behaving like that?”, also a lot of YAYs and huggles and such. Over all, at least as far as i am concerned, it was a good event, and definitely worth going to.

Most of my previous meet experience was outside of the VC, and in those meets there’d be a considerable diversity in looks and styles. In contrast, at this meet there was a very clear preponderance of black, of long hair (also black), and of ankhs in various shapes and sizes. In my flared blue jeans and yellow plaid jacket i stuck out quite wildly.

I also stuck out in a less visible manner, in that i was the only donor present. Not that i mind being a donor amongst vamps. They tend to be very courteous towards donors, and at the same time a little flirtatious, which is fun. Well, it is fun if you like being a donor, and don’t mind very toothy grins directed your way.

On saturday we had lunch in a steakhouse. I stuck out quite radically again, getting a mixed salad while everybody else had more or less raw steak. (Blue, no, i want it english, or, please take the steak into the kitchen, present it to the frying pan “Frying pan, this is the steak. Steak, this is the frying pan”, then bring the steak out (okay, that’s not from there, but you get the idea)). I’m not sure any longer how exactly we got round to it. Probably because, sitting there with arms bare and scars visible, some vamps started getting thirsty. Then some more realised, and somebody asked if anybody was having dessert, and another that we had dessert right here, while staring at me with a toothy grin.

It’s definitely not the first time i’ve had a vamp staring at me hungrily. But here there were six of them, all together, and… i’m pretty sure that i was safe, and they wouldn’t have attacked me or anything. Certainly not in public like that, and very probably not if we’d been in a private space either. Yet… the stares were intense, and focused, and hungry, and suddenly i felt very small there in the middle of all those vamps.

And yet. I like donating, i like being a donor, i really like it when vamps feed from me. And if circumstances had been different, if we’d been in a private space, i don’t think i would have defended myself too hard, nor that i would have fought back, and in a way, i would have welcomed it if they had all gently started feeding from me. In a way, i would really have liked to be their dessert.

i miss donating

sorry that i haven’t been updating, but there’s really not been much happening on the donor front. i have donated psi a few times to a friend when their regular donor was ill, but otherwise it’s just been boring.

and you know what? i really miss it. i really miss feeling so close to somebody, i really miss the closeness and trust, being able to give myself so fully, to just trust.

there’s a sang vamp i’d like to donate to. we’ll be meeting soon, and i guess we’ll see. i do need to get my blood-tests updated first, been kind of letting that drift.

also, a close acquaintance has recently declared themself to be a vamp. part of me is excited by the idea of actually having a vamp nearby. but on the other hand, just because a vamp and a donor know each other and live in each others vicinity doesn’t mean that they will or should automatically start a vamp/donor relationship.

Vampires, Blood, and Morality

I wanted to mention this article i was pointed at: “Vampires, Blood, and Morality“.

This is not my usual type of reading. My beliefs do fall into the wider pagan category, and i do read things on the subject if i come across them. But i am very much a solitary practitioner, and most of my practice centres around aspects of my therianthropy, so it’s not really a main subject.

Still, i found this article worth mentioning for it’s very positive depiction of real vampires. For starters there is no sensationalism, there is no: “Did you know there are people who say they are vampires?!! And they drink blood??!!!”, a general attitude which marks most articles on real vampires, even when they are trying to be positive towards the vampire community.

Instead the writer talks quite matter-of-factly about the preoccupation which modern vampires have with ethics, and which is also quite visible in much of contemporary vampire fiction. If the article isn’t very in-depth, the attitude shown toward the vampire community is one i would dearly love to see more often.

Another thing to note is that the pagan community has not always had a reputation of being particularly favourable to vampires, in particular to psi-vampires. Though that has been changing i’m still happy to see that there is only one comment which is unfavourable towards vampires, and another commenter countered that argument. This is also quite heartening to see.

donor bling

I was browsing the web looking for a design to print on my new dress (which i finished sewing tonight). I’d gone through and rejected a series of concepts, before deciding on Mort’s coat of arms: faux croisé on a sablier rampant against a sable field. And in case you’re wondering, that’s a character from Terry Pratchett’s discworld series, and in english it’s two scythes crossed in front of an hourglass, on a black background.

Anyway, while looking for such a design i found this little pin for sale: the text says “überwald blood donors’ club”. In case you’re not acquainted with the discworld novels, uberwald is a mountainous and somewhat eastern european region, about which relatively little is known, inhabited by trolls and dwarfs and vampires and such. The vampires there are very civilized, they even have a temperance league, motto: “living not in vein”.

Most donor bling features black swans, i’ve seen a few objects by now (and have some earrings). But i’d love to wear a pin like that stuck in my lapel.

welcome to Merticus’ readers

hey all, and thanks for looking in. in the last eight and a half hours you have totally exploded my statistics here. i hope you enjoy my blog, and please feel free to look around a bit.

vampires and sex – am i a blood fetishist or what?

According to the encyclopedia dramatica at least i am a blood-fetishist.[1] Now while i can’t really take the ED very seriously – it’s all for the lulz after all – it does put it’s finger on a rather delicate question, which actually has been bugging me on and off for quite some time. Are blood and sex connected? Is feeding sexual? If so: how and why?

The short answer: sex and feeding are different things, though they have some similarities which make it easy to confuse the two. They are both very intimate acts. They are both ecstatic[2] acts. Both satisfy deep-seated desires and needs. But those desires and needs are separate, satisfying one of them does not satisfy the other, and sex cannot replace feeding, just as feeding can’t replace sex.

To put it in a little more detail: there are some vamps i find myself incredibly attracted as a donor. I would find it very difficult to explain what exactly causes this attraction, and most vampires don’t have this effect on me. But those which do, they make me want to offer them my wrists and a blade and beg them to take me. Okay, not quite that extreme, because we are polite and a lot of vampires are actually quite embarrassed about wanting to drink our blood.

I will hazard a guess that most of my readers have not experienced this feeling of wanting somebody to go omnomnom on them, but i think most of you have felt sexual attraction of the kind which makes you want to slink up to the hottie[3], brush against their body and beg them to take you now. And well, except if you are in the right kind of club or such you probably don’t actually do that, because you too are polite.

But these are very different forms of attraction. When i am attracted as a donor to a vampire that does not mean that i am attracted to them sexually. Inversely, when i am attracted to somebody sexually, that does not mean that i am attracted to them as a donor. Even when i am sexually attracted to somebody who happens to be a vampire i am not necessarily attracted to them as a donor. This does not mean that the two forms of attraction are mutually exclusive: i have experienced both at the same time, directed towards the same person. But even then sex and blood didn’t really mix very well for me.

Of course there are other approaches. Many vampires and donors strictly separate their vampiric relationships from their romantic relationships. Others pretty much expect that feeding will lead to sex (again, there are both vampires and donors with this attitude). Others again mostly search for donors outside of their romantic relationships, but will gently nudge their lovers into becoming donors (which does make sense, as there is already trust and intimacy and the partner tends to be around and available).

As you can see there is a wide variety of ways in people deal with the intersection of blood and sex. For me they are comparable in intensity and intimacy (though for me donating is both more intense and intimate), but entirely separate in the feelings and sensations they give me. Of course that still doesn’t really answer my original question: am i a blood-fetishist? In the strict sense of the word certainly not, i do not receive sexual gratification from donating, much less need to donate to do so. Today “fetish” is usually used more loosely to designate any slightly uncommon sexual preference, but even then: is my attraction to vampires sexual? I don’t think so, but you will have to decide for yourself.

[1] i’m not going to link it, sorry. Look for the ED article on Sanguinarius. I’m kind of chuffed to be listed there, that somebody finds me relevant enough to go to the trouble to include me there.
[2] i use “ecstatic” in a slightly unusual way: i don’t mean “rapturous pleasure”, though that could also be ecstatic, but a state of pure experience in which i lose myself.
[3] adjust for your gender/sex and orientation.

psi donation

last night i donated psi for the first time in over half a year. i’d forgotten how powerful the feeling could be, and there was one moment when the vampire started pulling more strongly that was almost a little bit scary. but very soon i felt the steady flow of energy leaving me, and deep peace overtaking me.

i was glad to experience this again, and the vampire hadn’t fed so deeply in a long while either, so i was doubly glad. afterwards i slept like a log.