Posts Tagged ‘ blood ’

vampires and sex – am i a blood fetishist or what?

According to the encyclopedia dramatica at least i am a blood-fetishist.[1] Now while i can’t really take the ED very seriously – it’s all for the lulz after all – it does put it’s finger on a rather delicate question, which actually has been bugging me on and off for quite some time. Are blood and sex connected? Is feeding sexual? If so: how and why?

The short answer: sex and feeding are different things, though they have some similarities which make it easy to confuse the two. They are both very intimate acts. They are both ecstatic[2] acts. Both satisfy deep-seated desires and needs. But those desires and needs are separate, satisfying one of them does not satisfy the other, and sex cannot replace feeding, just as feeding can’t replace sex.

To put it in a little more detail: there are some vamps i find myself incredibly attracted as a donor. I would find it very difficult to explain what exactly causes this attraction, and most vampires don’t have this effect on me. But those which do, they make me want to offer them my wrists and a blade and beg them to take me. Okay, not quite that extreme, because we are polite and a lot of vampires are actually quite embarrassed about wanting to drink our blood.

I will hazard a guess that most of my readers have not experienced this feeling of wanting somebody to go omnomnom on them, but i think most of you have felt sexual attraction of the kind which makes you want to slink up to the hottie[3], brush against their body and beg them to take you now. And well, except if you are in the right kind of club or such you probably don’t actually do that, because you too are polite.

But these are very different forms of attraction. When i am attracted as a donor to a vampire that does not mean that i am attracted to them sexually. Inversely, when i am attracted to somebody sexually, that does not mean that i am attracted to them as a donor. Even when i am sexually attracted to somebody who happens to be a vampire i am not necessarily attracted to them as a donor. This does not mean that the two forms of attraction are mutually exclusive: i have experienced both at the same time, directed towards the same person. But even then sex and blood didn’t really mix very well for me.

Of course there are other approaches. Many vampires and donors strictly separate their vampiric relationships from their romantic relationships. Others pretty much expect that feeding will lead to sex (again, there are both vampires and donors with this attitude). Others again mostly search for donors outside of their romantic relationships, but will gently nudge their lovers into becoming donors (which does make sense, as there is already trust and intimacy and the partner tends to be around and available).

As you can see there is a wide variety of ways in people deal with the intersection of blood and sex. For me they are comparable in intensity and intimacy (though for me donating is both more intense and intimate), but entirely separate in the feelings and sensations they give me. Of course that still doesn’t really answer my original question: am i a blood-fetishist? In the strict sense of the word certainly not, i do not receive sexual gratification from donating, much less need to donate to do so. Today “fetish” is usually used more loosely to designate any slightly uncommon sexual preference, but even then: is my attraction to vampires sexual? I don’t think so, but you will have to decide for yourself.

[1] i’m not going to link it, sorry. Look for the ED article on Sanguinarius. I’m kind of chuffed to be listed there, that somebody finds me relevant enough to go to the trouble to include me there.
[2] i use “ecstatic” in a slightly unusual way: i don’t mean “rapturous pleasure”, though that could also be ecstatic, but a state of pure experience in which i lose myself.
[3] adjust for your gender/sex and orientation.

looking at my scars

a little over a month ago i became a sang donor. i’d been intending to be a sang donor from the very beginning, when i first knocked on the doors of the vampire community. but as things go, even after i met (online) the vampire whose sang donor i was to become we couldn’t meet up for almost half a year, as opposed to the ten days i had hoped for when i started this blog.

it was during this waiting time that i became a psi-donor, and there’s a considerable number of posts detailing my experience as such. it was interesting and good while it lasted, but in the end it wound down. when it became obvious that my sang vamp became very upset with my donating to other vampires i was not unhappy to stop.

i was unable to write properly about my first experiences donating sang, which i regret. i wish now that i had a fresh memory of it to look back on. what i can do, and do often, is look at the scars i carry. i think i’m not healing as fast as i might, because even the needle-mark from the third donation* is still faintly visible on the back of my hand. maybe that’s just in my head though, because for some reason it seems like all the old scars (which are three to ten years old) have become more visible this month.

i think off and look at the other scars much more often. there’s two of them. one on the inside of my left elbow, from the first donation. it has two small blobs, which change colour from purple to red. a few very small patches have a different surface, where the teeth ripped away the very top layer of the skin. i remember them now, leaning down over the arm, cutting. i remember feeling a little scared, but wanting them to do it. i remember the pain which wasn’t pain. the amazement and wonder, actually being fed from, being consumed, being consumed by the other, becoming part of them. it was like nothing i’ve ever known, and i still don’t have the right words to describe it. but i want to go back to that, experience it again.

the other is on the outside of my right shoulder. there’s two marks running diagonally down to the right, another to the left, all less than an inch long, which are quite red. and interleaved with those, a dozen or more very fine lines in both directions, about two inches long. i look at it, and i remember unwrapping the blade, handing it to the vampire, i remember the first tentative cut, testing the blade, then the rapid careful slicing, like a tiny little line of ice/fire being drawn over the skin. then the blood pearling out, red beads on my skin, joining up, flowing down my arm. the look on the vampires face, the concentration, the fierce intent in their eyes. licking up my blood, drinking it down, sucking at it, squeezing it to make it bleed more, licking that off.

i do not think i have ever shared as intimate a moment with anybody in my life.

and now i’ve got the scars. i cherish them, they carry precious memories. i am proud that i may carry them. but still, i (and you, if you become a sang donor) must carry them publicly. i actually have no problem at all with the one in the elbow; i have not once tried to hide or disguise it.

the other scar is more complicated. i mentioned the old scars earlier; my left arm is covered in scars, a few hundred of them. they are self-inflicted, from self-injury. and the scar on the shoulder looks quite similar. so when i’m around parents, i cover it. what answer could i give to their question? that it’s self-injury? it’d be a lie, and make them worry. that i let myself be fed on by a vampire? i am ashamed of myself that i do not have the courage to brave this, that i hide the scar so. because i love the scar, it is beautiful to me.

*i described that donation earlier.

donors aren’t “nice”

hey, another post immediately after the previous one! look below if you missed reading updates here.

today somebody called me “nice” and “kind” for being a donor. they were trying to express their appreciation of donors; donors in general more likely than of me specifically, as i have no intention of donating to that vampire. somehow that got me riled up.

for starters, donors aren’t “nice”. “nice”, in my mind, means “exact” and “precise”, one could add “neat” (as in “tidily finished up). the more general meaning of “good”, “pleasant”, “agreeable” which “nice” has acquired reflects the value which was put on exactitude and precision.

donoring is almost never exact and precise, not to mention neat. there is blood and blades and lips and tongues and teeth and violence and injury and scabs and scars and dirty bandages and disease and accidents and just generally a huge mess. and that’s not even starting to get involved in the feelings and motivations of both the vamp and the donor involved.

because a heck of a lot of donors aren’t exactly doing it out of kindness either. some donors are doing it out of kindness; in an earlier post i called them compassionate donors, a vampire i spoke with called them “damn pity donors”. but many, i would even hazard a guess and say the majority of donors who are actually active in the community* have much more complex motivations behind their donoring than simple kindness. i might even add that the ones who claim to do it out of pure altruistic kindness weird me out.

i might not be able to say why exactly i’m a donor, but i know that it’s damn well not out of simple kindness.

*that remains to be shown, it’s a project i’m planning

betrayed by my body

i have a whole series of new posts lined up in my head, as i have now had the experience of donating to a sang vampire. however, all the thoughts and ideas of these recent experiences are all still in a muddle. look forward to posts appearing by and by over the next couple of weeks as i order my posts, re-examine old things i’ve written, and possibly come up with fresh inspiration.

but this first one is quite simple, so i’ll write about it now. in one of the feeding sessions the vamp wanted to use the kind of bloodletting kit used for actual medical blood-donations, i.e. a needle with a plastic tube on the end, leading to a plastic bag to contain the blood (except without the plastic bag at the recepient, that end of the tube goes directly into the vampire’s mouth). they was also hoping to make some blood ice-cubes for storing.

i readily agreed, the advantages are after all quite obvious. lots of blood, no scars, and possibly leaving some behind for the vamp for when i couldn’t be there (because, hey, i care about my vamps, otherwise i wouldn’t do this).

and then it kind of goes crooked. first sign, i think, was that my veins wouldn’t show up properly even with a tourniquet and all. then when we did find a vein, we didn’t get the needle properly into it at first. it was quite weird, because i could actually feel when the tip of the needle slipped off from the vein. on the second try it went in, and blood flowed (i would like to say “rushed”, but that would be an exaggeration) into the tube, and the vamp started drinking.

again it was quite awesome, in the other sang donations i’ve not been able to see the vampire’s face well while they were feeding. it was like all the muscles in their face went into a calm happy relaxed state, while they concentrated on the blood. but then, much too soon, something went wrong. something felt wrong with the needle, something looked wrong on the vampire’s face… i had essentially just stopped bleeding.

a few more drops seeped out (which the vampire of course licked up), and even that was crazyly little considering how huge those needles are. and that was it. my body refused to bleed. my body wouldn’t let me help the vampire i cared for. they said that it was not the first time that had happened, and that it was okay. but i was (and am still, to a degree) quite distraught.

of all the things i had considered which might go wrong during donating, this is the one i had never examined. that my body might just not be able too. i’ve not always had the best of relationships with my body. but never before had it felt quite as much like an active betrayal.

something to keep you amused

okay, i’m experimenting here, not at all sure if i actually can embed a youtube video on a wordpress blog. but if it works, here’s my proposed new donor anthem:

anyway, sorry for not updating regularly and stuff, i’ve got a post or three planned, but life has been incredibly busy and it’ll be a few more days before i have time actually write a proper post.

p.s. i want to add that i do not usually listen to my chemical romance.