Posts Tagged ‘ donating ’

what does it feel like?

I’m asked quite regularly what donating actually feels like. Vamps have asked me this, prospective donors have asked me this as well, as have interested outsiders. Even amongst donors we ask each other this, most recently in a post on blackswanhaven. One thing is sure: it is very difficult to describe this feeling. What words can you use to describe something which is so out of the ordinary? This is an attempt at such a description.

Perhaps it’s easiest to say what it isn’t: it isn’t painful, in particular when i’m relaxed and comfortable. There’s a slight pain at the moment of the actual cutting, but that is negligible: there is far more pain in biting into a sour candy or in unfolding from a seat which you’ve been in for an hour or two than in the cutting or in being stuck with a butterfly needle. It follows that it is clearly not masochistic, there’s just no significant pain in it. Heck, i am a masochist, i enjoy and get turned on by receiving pain from a sadist, but donating does nothing for me on that level.

It is also not sexual. There is a certain flush which runs through the body, it’s almost certain that my blood-vessels dilate slightly, which also happens in sexual encounters, but that’s where the similarity ends. There is no arousal, no getting turned on, no rising waves of pleasure. There is certainly no climax and orgasm, and personally i find attempts to describe the experience as “orgasmic” to be fairly ludicrous. Though here i have to admit that i’ve wondered what might happen if i got to donate larger amounts. Last year i sometimes donated psi in such amounts that i was left twitching and shivering, and i wonder what would happen if a sang could just drink from me until they are truly sated. But that would be a risky experiment at best, and when i donate psi these days it is never to that extreme.

So what is it like? I feel a little bit nervous, a little bit excited. Asking “do you want to feed today?” is always a little nerve-racking. Is it not presumptuous to ask like that? Is it not embarrassing that i desire it so much? There’s the annoying details, disinfecting (if the vamp insists – their lips and tongue and saliva will be all over the wound in a minute, disinfecting the skin is slightly useless), preparing blades, bandaging (though usually i prefer to have fresh cuts uncovered, able to breathe). When all is prepared, finding a position which is comfortable for both. I like to be able to watch as they cut, and to be able to see them as they drink, but that is not really necessary.

The cutting is, as i’ve said, pretty much painless. My blood wells out, and both the vampire and i are transfixed. Then they move forwards, their lips touch my skin, their tongue dips into the blood, licks, they start drinking. And that is when it happens, that feeling which i find so difficult to describe, the thing which is unique to donoring, the thing which i love so much about it. There is a pull, like somebody gently tugging on a handful of hair, but that pull goes right through my body. It draws me, i loosen up, there is a kind of shift, the resistance goes, and i’m being drawn into the vamp. I’m drunk, not from the outside, but from the inside.

But, this is another difficult part, this feeling is not physical. It might just be a psychological effect, but i don’t really believe that. This sensation is something on the same level as the psi-energy which the psi-vamps draw. And i have no adequate words to describe it, to describe what it feels like as it is drawn from me. A light golden tickle, a soft sparkling mist, a coruscation of different touches, each experienced lightly, as my brain tries to translate the non-physical experience into something physical which it can understand. It is gentle and fills me with wonder.

Then, all to soon, it is over. As the vampire stops feeding, as this draw ends, i kind of sink into myself. My mind is clear, calm, at peace. If i can, i like to just curl up where i am. I like to be huggled, kept warm, cradled. This is, i think, the moment when i feel most vulnerable, when i need to put myself back together, turn my inside the right way out. But it is also the most intimate, the most relaxed. I can talk of anything with the vamp, floating on a cloud of gentle relaxed comfort.

But then, see, that is how it feels for me. For other donors it will surely feel different, and how it feels for me has also evolved over time and with experience. And this is also only a best effort, the description feels inadequate at best, misleading at worst. But it’s all i can manage tonight.

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i miss donating

sorry that i haven’t been updating, but there’s really not been much happening on the donor front. i have donated psi a few times to a friend when their regular donor was ill, but otherwise it’s just been boring.

and you know what? i really miss it. i really miss feeling so close to somebody, i really miss the closeness and trust, being able to give myself so fully, to just trust.

there’s a sang vamp i’d like to donate to. we’ll be meeting soon, and i guess we’ll see. i do need to get my blood-tests updated first, been kind of letting that drift.

also, a close acquaintance has recently declared themself to be a vamp. part of me is excited by the idea of actually having a vamp nearby. but on the other hand, just because a vamp and a donor know each other and live in each others vicinity doesn’t mean that they will or should automatically start a vamp/donor relationship.

psi donation

last night i donated psi for the first time in over half a year. i’d forgotten how powerful the feeling could be, and there was one moment when the vampire started pulling more strongly that was almost a little bit scary. but very soon i felt the steady flow of energy leaving me, and deep peace overtaking me.

i was glad to experience this again, and the vampire hadn’t fed so deeply in a long while either, so i was doubly glad. afterwards i slept like a log.

looking at my scars

a little over a month ago i became a sang donor. i’d been intending to be a sang donor from the very beginning, when i first knocked on the doors of the vampire community. but as things go, even after i met (online) the vampire whose sang donor i was to become we couldn’t meet up for almost half a year, as opposed to the ten days i had hoped for when i started this blog.

it was during this waiting time that i became a psi-donor, and there’s a considerable number of posts detailing my experience as such. it was interesting and good while it lasted, but in the end it wound down. when it became obvious that my sang vamp became very upset with my donating to other vampires i was not unhappy to stop.

i was unable to write properly about my first experiences donating sang, which i regret. i wish now that i had a fresh memory of it to look back on. what i can do, and do often, is look at the scars i carry. i think i’m not healing as fast as i might, because even the needle-mark from the third donation* is still faintly visible on the back of my hand. maybe that’s just in my head though, because for some reason it seems like all the old scars (which are three to ten years old) have become more visible this month.

i think off and look at the other scars much more often. there’s two of them. one on the inside of my left elbow, from the first donation. it has two small blobs, which change colour from purple to red. a few very small patches have a different surface, where the teeth ripped away the very top layer of the skin. i remember them now, leaning down over the arm, cutting. i remember feeling a little scared, but wanting them to do it. i remember the pain which wasn’t pain. the amazement and wonder, actually being fed from, being consumed, being consumed by the other, becoming part of them. it was like nothing i’ve ever known, and i still don’t have the right words to describe it. but i want to go back to that, experience it again.

the other is on the outside of my right shoulder. there’s two marks running diagonally down to the right, another to the left, all less than an inch long, which are quite red. and interleaved with those, a dozen or more very fine lines in both directions, about two inches long. i look at it, and i remember unwrapping the blade, handing it to the vampire, i remember the first tentative cut, testing the blade, then the rapid careful slicing, like a tiny little line of ice/fire being drawn over the skin. then the blood pearling out, red beads on my skin, joining up, flowing down my arm. the look on the vampires face, the concentration, the fierce intent in their eyes. licking up my blood, drinking it down, sucking at it, squeezing it to make it bleed more, licking that off.

i do not think i have ever shared as intimate a moment with anybody in my life.

and now i’ve got the scars. i cherish them, they carry precious memories. i am proud that i may carry them. but still, i (and you, if you become a sang donor) must carry them publicly. i actually have no problem at all with the one in the elbow; i have not once tried to hide or disguise it.

the other scar is more complicated. i mentioned the old scars earlier; my left arm is covered in scars, a few hundred of them. they are self-inflicted, from self-injury. and the scar on the shoulder looks quite similar. so when i’m around parents, i cover it. what answer could i give to their question? that it’s self-injury? it’d be a lie, and make them worry. that i let myself be fed on by a vampire? i am ashamed of myself that i do not have the courage to brave this, that i hide the scar so. because i love the scar, it is beautiful to me.

*i described that donation earlier.

been a while

these “been a while” posts, also “i need to update more often” and similar, are often bad signs on blogs, indicating that the blogger has kind of lost interest in the subject and wandered off to do something else, like getting a life. actually, something like that has happened to me (getting a life, of sorts), which has kept me quite preoccupied, but i have no intention of abandoning this blog.

another reason why i haven’t updated in ten days is that the whole donoring thing has been going kind of bumpy. one of my vampires has pretty much disappeared, for reasons i understand but which don’t really need to be mentioned here. another hasn’t disappeared, but is spending much time in offline-land (also for reasons i understand). i miss both of them. at the same time i’ve decided that i really don’t want to donate randomly anymore, because it really made me feel cheap and was mostly just not worthwhile. thankfully i found another vampire whom i donate to more or less regularly; but i’m really not getting to donate as much as would be good for me.

it is rather stressful for me, obviously. but beyond that it’s led me to wonder about the whole remote-feeding and feeding people one meets online thing. even the ones i donate to regularly were chosen more because they were available, and less because of having an established relationship with them. in an act of irony, the energy vampire i’ve built a longer, more serious relationship with doesn’t want to feed from me. but what i’m wondering is, how do other people who feed or donate mainly to people they know online handle the inherent looseness of many relationships which are built online?

in sociology, we speak of weak ties when we refer to the kind of casual relationships which are built in facebook and other social networking sites. they’re not inherently bad, but they can be very casual and can be cut quite easily. from some vamps i get the impression that they go trawling the net, manipulating people who are barely aware of what is happening into opening links to them, and feeding from them. and i know that this would be a feasible method, there are enough places where vampires hang out, and it’s stupidly easy to make them desire you. but it is not what i want.

now i know that long-term relationships can be built online, but they are rare and take time. i look forward to the time i have a vampire to donate to who is local to me, who i have strong ties to, who won’t just disappear on me. i guess i have to be patient.

what it feels like

recently i wrote here that being fed on feels good for me. i stand entirely by that statement, but want to elaborate. the only slight difficulty is with words, i don’t know what words to use to accurately describe the sensations i experience. from what i’ve read and talked about with other donors, i get very strong – not to say extreme – reactions. this is therefore not exactly a normal experience.

before feeding, if it’s been more than a day or two, i feel very agitated. this is a physical feeling, but also emotional, and my concentration is shot to hell. i get brusk, even agressive. after three or four days i’ll go on the prowl looking for vampires i might donate to. i no longer want to give myself to just anybody (at least i’ve learned some self-respect), and with an inexperienced vampire it’s usually just not worth the hassle anyway. usually i’ll be on the lookout for one of my regular energy vamps.

i’m going to put the whole description of what the feeding feels like below the cut, as it’s a long post.

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really glad that i waited

regarding last night’s post, i’m really glad that i waited just that little bit longer for S to appear. i was really about to feed a vamp in the chat (or several vamps, don’t know how that would have worked). i think maybe 15 minutes more, and it would have been done. with all the feelings of sluttiness and throwing myself away for nothing that would have been implied by that.

the whole exchange with S last night lasted less than half an hour (i was just now reading through the chat). the feeding takes almost half of that. i gave a lot, she took powerfully, it was almost violent. i think if i could donate in person instead of long-distance i would have marks afterwards. but you know, i like that. donating, even if it’s “only” psi, is a very visceral experience for me. it is wild. it breaks boundaries. it goes into what might be considered slightly unsafe areas.

she brought me to the edge of fainting last night. really close. i like it. i’m not sure she could bring me to faint completely though. when i was closest to the edge i could feel something shifting in me and producing more energy.

the only thing i might have wished for would have been a little more snuggle time afterwards. to hold me through the time directly afterwards, when i’m shaky and hardly know what’s up and down (she was there through most of that, that was good). but then also to share the euphoria with which sets in afterwards. which is not so much a exuberant happiness, but a nice gentle feeling of calm and peaceful joy.