Posts Tagged ‘ feeding ’

dreams

i went to a festival last night, not one of the huge ones, but quite large for a local one. didn’t have a ticket for today, but again for tomorrow (won them in a raffle, yay me). it was great fun, in particular the Skunk Anansie concert for which i grabbed myself a spot right at the front, up against the barrier. nevertheless i’m not partying too hard as i don’t want to be too exhausted for the WGT next weekend (that’s going to be 4 days of no limits partying) (well, except for Gogol Bordello who are playing tomorrow, i don’t intend to hold back for that).

all that aside, i had two dreams this night. except possibly they were one dream, but it felt like two. i’ve forgotten a lot of the details, that’s what happens when you don’t write dreams up immediately, but still.

in the first, there’s a woman in red. her clothing covers her head to toe, yet somehow very alluring. i am drawn to her, and soon realise that she’s a vampire. she quickly seduces me, though that didn’t require much. with gloved hands she strokes along my bare arms, my shoulders. she tilts my head to the back and side, and her fingertips brush away my hair. then she leans in and … kisses me on the carotid artery. i was expecting her to bite, the sharp pain of her teeth ripping and tearing my skin and flesh. instead, a kiss, but more than a kiss, she is drawing my energy, draining me as a psi-vamp would. it is not painful as such, not like an actual bite is. but the energy-draw is brutal and delicious, and feels an awful lot like an actual psi-feeding, but much stronger. she leaves me, with a dreadful wonderful promise that she’ll be back, and vanishes into the crowd.

i remember less of the second dream. it was at the festival, or something similar. the vampire – because obviously this is another vampire dream – is different. with the first, i knew that she was basically a kind of psi-vamp, quite similar to real vampires. this one, i know right away that she has powers. she is smaller, physically strong, there is nothing secretive about her. she moves with a coterie, people who are bound to her, her donors and others whom she has enthralled. without her saying a word i move to her, knowing she wants to look at me, knowing that if she were to chose so i would become hers. i would not have a choice about it. this is a creature immensely more powerful than humans, any human she wanted would become hers. and she would bite, and rip, and feed from me. and she would not care about the damage. this one is scary, because i have no choice. i am trembling as she leaves me, she does not want me, not right now, she is not hungry right now.

and i’m just going to leave you with this, interpret these dreams as you wish.

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what does it feel like?

I’m asked quite regularly what donating actually feels like. Vamps have asked me this, prospective donors have asked me this as well, as have interested outsiders. Even amongst donors we ask each other this, most recently in a post on blackswanhaven. One thing is sure: it is very difficult to describe this feeling. What words can you use to describe something which is so out of the ordinary? This is an attempt at such a description.

Perhaps it’s easiest to say what it isn’t: it isn’t painful, in particular when i’m relaxed and comfortable. There’s a slight pain at the moment of the actual cutting, but that is negligible: there is far more pain in biting into a sour candy or in unfolding from a seat which you’ve been in for an hour or two than in the cutting or in being stuck with a butterfly needle. It follows that it is clearly not masochistic, there’s just no significant pain in it. Heck, i am a masochist, i enjoy and get turned on by receiving pain from a sadist, but donating does nothing for me on that level.

It is also not sexual. There is a certain flush which runs through the body, it’s almost certain that my blood-vessels dilate slightly, which also happens in sexual encounters, but that’s where the similarity ends. There is no arousal, no getting turned on, no rising waves of pleasure. There is certainly no climax and orgasm, and personally i find attempts to describe the experience as “orgasmic” to be fairly ludicrous. Though here i have to admit that i’ve wondered what might happen if i got to donate larger amounts. Last year i sometimes donated psi in such amounts that i was left twitching and shivering, and i wonder what would happen if a sang could just drink from me until they are truly sated. But that would be a risky experiment at best, and when i donate psi these days it is never to that extreme.

So what is it like? I feel a little bit nervous, a little bit excited. Asking “do you want to feed today?” is always a little nerve-racking. Is it not presumptuous to ask like that? Is it not embarrassing that i desire it so much? There’s the annoying details, disinfecting (if the vamp insists – their lips and tongue and saliva will be all over the wound in a minute, disinfecting the skin is slightly useless), preparing blades, bandaging (though usually i prefer to have fresh cuts uncovered, able to breathe). When all is prepared, finding a position which is comfortable for both. I like to be able to watch as they cut, and to be able to see them as they drink, but that is not really necessary.

The cutting is, as i’ve said, pretty much painless. My blood wells out, and both the vampire and i are transfixed. Then they move forwards, their lips touch my skin, their tongue dips into the blood, licks, they start drinking. And that is when it happens, that feeling which i find so difficult to describe, the thing which is unique to donoring, the thing which i love so much about it. There is a pull, like somebody gently tugging on a handful of hair, but that pull goes right through my body. It draws me, i loosen up, there is a kind of shift, the resistance goes, and i’m being drawn into the vamp. I’m drunk, not from the outside, but from the inside.

But, this is another difficult part, this feeling is not physical. It might just be a psychological effect, but i don’t really believe that. This sensation is something on the same level as the psi-energy which the psi-vamps draw. And i have no adequate words to describe it, to describe what it feels like as it is drawn from me. A light golden tickle, a soft sparkling mist, a coruscation of different touches, each experienced lightly, as my brain tries to translate the non-physical experience into something physical which it can understand. It is gentle and fills me with wonder.

Then, all to soon, it is over. As the vampire stops feeding, as this draw ends, i kind of sink into myself. My mind is clear, calm, at peace. If i can, i like to just curl up where i am. I like to be huggled, kept warm, cradled. This is, i think, the moment when i feel most vulnerable, when i need to put myself back together, turn my inside the right way out. But it is also the most intimate, the most relaxed. I can talk of anything with the vamp, floating on a cloud of gentle relaxed comfort.

But then, see, that is how it feels for me. For other donors it will surely feel different, and how it feels for me has also evolved over time and with experience. And this is also only a best effort, the description feels inadequate at best, misleading at worst. But it’s all i can manage tonight.

dessert

I was at a vampire meet in the german town of cologne this weekend. I’ve been getting involved with this group for a few months now, but this is the first time i met them. As usual with meets you get a mixed bunch of people, many of whom don’t know each other yet or have never met. There is a bit of drama, a bit of “why is s/he behaving like that?”, also a lot of YAYs and huggles and such. Over all, at least as far as i am concerned, it was a good event, and definitely worth going to.

Most of my previous meet experience was outside of the VC, and in those meets there’d be a considerable diversity in looks and styles. In contrast, at this meet there was a very clear preponderance of black, of long hair (also black), and of ankhs in various shapes and sizes. In my flared blue jeans and yellow plaid jacket i stuck out quite wildly.

I also stuck out in a less visible manner, in that i was the only donor present. Not that i mind being a donor amongst vamps. They tend to be very courteous towards donors, and at the same time a little flirtatious, which is fun. Well, it is fun if you like being a donor, and don’t mind very toothy grins directed your way.

On saturday we had lunch in a steakhouse. I stuck out quite radically again, getting a mixed salad while everybody else had more or less raw steak. (Blue, no, i want it english, or, please take the steak into the kitchen, present it to the frying pan “Frying pan, this is the steak. Steak, this is the frying pan”, then bring the steak out (okay, that’s not from there, but you get the idea)). I’m not sure any longer how exactly we got round to it. Probably because, sitting there with arms bare and scars visible, some vamps started getting thirsty. Then some more realised, and somebody asked if anybody was having dessert, and another that we had dessert right here, while staring at me with a toothy grin.

It’s definitely not the first time i’ve had a vamp staring at me hungrily. But here there were six of them, all together, and… i’m pretty sure that i was safe, and they wouldn’t have attacked me or anything. Certainly not in public like that, and very probably not if we’d been in a private space either. Yet… the stares were intense, and focused, and hungry, and suddenly i felt very small there in the middle of all those vamps.

And yet. I like donating, i like being a donor, i really like it when vamps feed from me. And if circumstances had been different, if we’d been in a private space, i don’t think i would have defended myself too hard, nor that i would have fought back, and in a way, i would have welcomed it if they had all gently started feeding from me. In a way, i would really have liked to be their dessert.

ethics of feeding

something which i’ve come across several times recently is vamps, specifically sanguinarian vampires, saying that they do not want to consume human blood for ethical reasons.

now i think ethics are important. not in a simplistic good/bad, but as deep personal reflections on what is right for a specific person. i approve of people who think about ethics. but with these sangs it did not appear to be the result of careful reflection, but more of an excuse to avoid icky feelings surrounding what is a rather taboo* and intimate human interaction.

what i see is not a right or wrong in their decision not to drink human blood, but rather a logical inconsistency in their arguments. the same vampires who say they won’t feed from humans are busy swapping tips on how to acquire animal blood, and have no hesitation about eating meat. i wonder how they arrive at the conclusion that killing and eating a non-consenting animal can be ethically less problematic than drinking a little blood which was freely given with minimal injury by a consenting human? i’m sure you see the point i’m making: non-consensual death vs. consensual minor injury?

one of the vamps i recently saw involved in such a discussion might actually have internal consistency, as they described themselves as christian, with the implication of humans being by default infinitely superior to animals in their belief-system. the others have a much harder position to defend, as they describe themselves as pagan, which in current usage almost always implies a certain kinship and equality between living creatures of all kinds.

personally, if you’re going to be feeding from a fully informed and consenting human donor then i think the ethical issues become truly minimal.

*and nobody go and tell me that drinking human blood isn’t a deep taboo in most human societies.

daily life

vampirism, and being a donor, sounds like a very exciting life. there’s intense emotions, intimacy, needs, feeding, blades, and not at all last there’s blood. but when you look a little closer it is a lot less exciting. as a donor, what do i actually do that’s related to vampirism? not that very much. i check out the vcmb and blackswanhaven, i might have a quick look at a few other places, late at night i’ll log into chat where we mainly joke around. i’ll talk with H most days, but she usually doesn’t feed from me more than two or three times a week.

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writing fiction

just a short post, because i don’t want to leave this blog without updates, but i developed a headache this evening and am not up for a major post.

i’m working on a story. i’ve never written much fiction, and the last i did was years ago, so i’m a bit apprehensive about it. i’ve shown parts of it to H, who liked it, though of course it’s still only a very incomplete draft. it is – appropriately – about vampires and donors. we have many accounts, be they fictional or factual, about how vampires feel. we know quite well how they feel when they feed, when they can’t feed, there are many accounts of how they feel about themselves, about what they are. but there are very few accounts of what it feels like for us swans.

of course, what it is like for donors is what this whole blog is about. but i’ve not yet found myself quite able to write directly about how feeding feels like for me. so i’m hoping that by rendering it in fiction i can get past that barrier. you will certainly hear more about this little project when it’s further advanced.

H is the only vampire i’m actually actively donating to. last night as we were talking i was feeding (no pun intended) her the story more or less paragraph by paragraph as i wrote it. and at some point i knew that she needed to feed, that she needed to feed badly. and i needed to give. she was very hesitant though, worried about losing control, about hurting me. and she did feed more deeply than any time before. afterwards i felt a wonderful deep relaxation through my whole body, and i felt utterly at peace. i just wish that she could feel that same peace which i do, that i could share that with her. and that is, i think, also why i’m working on this story.

what i want

today i was reading the net, going through various links i’d opened and never had time to read properly, when i found five or six diary entries on a website called “blood and coffee”. unfortunately the website seems to be slowly disintegrating, it has lots of dead links even internally. they are written with some remove, they’re dated 2002, but relate events which the writer experienced some twenty years earlier.

in particularly the first entry (the second part, describing her first feeding experience) is extremely visceral. i read through it with shudders running down my back, a tremendous desire, a want and need. i re-read it five or six times. i came back, read it again, and still the shudders are running down my back, setting my wings trembling. as i read it again to write this post i – i have no words to describe this feeling.

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