Posts Tagged ‘ giving myself ’

what it feels like

recently i wrote here that being fed on feels good for me. i stand entirely by that statement, but want to elaborate. the only slight difficulty is with words, i don’t know what words to use to accurately describe the sensations i experience. from what i’ve read and talked about with other donors, i get very strong – not to say extreme – reactions. this is therefore not exactly a normal experience.

before feeding, if it’s been more than a day or two, i feel very agitated. this is a physical feeling, but also emotional, and my concentration is shot to hell. i get brusk, even agressive. after three or four days i’ll go on the prowl looking for vampires i might donate to. i no longer want to give myself to just anybody (at least i’ve learned some self-respect), and with an inexperienced vampire it’s usually just not worth the hassle anyway. usually i’ll be on the lookout for one of my regular energy vamps.

i’m going to put the whole description of what the feeding feels like below the cut, as it’s a long post.

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jealousy take two

in my last post i announced that i wanted to talk about jealousy, and i did start that post yesterday, but got utterly stuck. then late last night somebody (jinx, but it’s an anonimous email) posted this comment to the post:

So tell us more about the H and S vampires. Why are you drawn to them? Are you cheating on C? What do you these people give you?

and actually these are very good hooks for me, and i hope to be able to structure my post with them. so whoever you are, jinx, thanks for the questions.

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“force-feeding” take two

so my router just died. internet, telly, everything – not that i was watching telly. i was however in mid-chat, and talking with H, and both conversations got cut short abruptly. normally i’d just restart the router, and would have everything up and running again in a minute. but we’ve got a guest sleeping in the office, and i need to physically restart the router, and it’s 4:30 am; so there goes that option. i did just now briefly consider flicking the circuit breaker, but that’d probably cause a whole range of devices in the office to restart and would be just as disturbing.

so, as i don’t have internet to distract me, i guess why not work on a post. and considering that i’ve got nothing to distract me it might end up a little lengthy and rambling. i’ve really got two issues i want to think/write about tonight, which might be slightly linked. the first is my “force-feeding” – i really need to find a better word for that. the second is jealousy, a remix.

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how i became a donor

(note: i’m a bit feverish, i’m not sure how coherent the following will be)

in a previous thread my friend Willow commented on how my revelation to her that i am a donor came out of the blue to her, and surprised and shocked her. and indeed, my desire to be a donor is not something that i used to talk about – to most people it is not exactly an anodyne subject. i guess in some ways it is comparable to coming out as gay to somebody who never suspected it of you. and i suspect others who have known me longer might also be surprised if/when they find out.

for those, and for myself, i think it is important to know that this is not some new lark, soon to be forgotten. this is a desire which has been with me for most of my life, the only thing which is new is that i’m actualising my desire now. here is how i came to this point:

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