Posts Tagged ‘ relationships ’

New Start

Whoa! It’s been a whole month since my last update! I’m really sorry about that, i hate it when “real” life takes over and disrupts my online time. School is keeping me busy, i’ve got two projects going (one which will be finished soon, the other by the end of january). If all goes well that means i’ll have my bachelors done and over with in two months time! It’s kind of weird, four years ago, when i was seriously thinking about going to uni, my whole life was so different. Ah yes, all that official writing and stuff has lead me to re-adopt proper capitalisation and such. Well, except for the first person singular pronoun, i still find that capitalising “I” is symbolic of the worst kind of human egocentrism and hubris. It pains me to capitalise it even at the start of a sentence.

Another thing occupying my time has been the search for employment. It’s not been going well, but i’m starting a temp gig at the TSR, which is the national french-language tv station. Tuesday is the training day. It’s only for a month, but it’s good money and that will certainly help out.

I’ve also been writing a fair bit for myself, working on my fiction. There’s an online workshop for Sci-fi/Fantasy/Horror writers that i’ve been participating in, and that’s been very helpful. They tell me i need to work more on my characters, giving them depth and structure, which i find rather difficult. And no, there’s nothing i currently want to share, sorry.

Finally, i’ve been spending a lot of time with a girl i met in class. I’d seen her at uni before, she’s one of those people who are difficult not to notice, and not only because very few girls at uni dress as punks and keep their head shaved. Like me she’s a mature student, and now in her second year of sociology. Single mum with a 13 year old daughter, her life has gone through more twists than a crooked corkscrew. We sit in the kitchen of her WG (how the heck do you translate WG into english? House-share?) and chat for hours. Sometimes we cuddle chastely in the couch and watch intellectual french movies. I really enjoy the soft physical comfort, the closeness, and i’m growing very fond of her. Part of me is hoping that one of these days she will ask me to stay the night, but i’m also a little wary.

But this is a donor blog, you say, and you’ve written nothing about donoring in the whole post! Indeed, i haven’t donated since mid-september. Partly it’s the logistics of getting there; it’s quite a distance, and i’ve been very broke while looking for a job (but see above). But also, we had a bit of a crisis, to put it mildly, with my vamp’s bf furious at me. For a time he insisted that there could be no contact at all between my vamp and me. I felt destroyed; i loved my vamp, would have given anything for her. In the end i think he was also justified, though it was very painful for me. But she explained they had been together long before i inserted myself into their relationship, and she loved him and wanted to be with him. That was very hard too, and felt like a kind of betrayal. Eventually he relented, and allowed her to keep me as a donor, which i am glad for. I wanted to be her donor before i fell in love with her, and despite the hurt i still like her and still want to be her donor. And i’d rather be her friend and donor than be nothing at all to her. I’d be a bad donor if i expected her to leave her relationship for me, or if i caused her relationship to break up. I’m glad i can still be her donor, still give her the blood she needs to be healthy.

been a while

these “been a while” posts, also “i need to update more often” and similar, are often bad signs on blogs, indicating that the blogger has kind of lost interest in the subject and wandered off to do something else, like getting a life. actually, something like that has happened to me (getting a life, of sorts), which has kept me quite preoccupied, but i have no intention of abandoning this blog.

another reason why i haven’t updated in ten days is that the whole donoring thing has been going kind of bumpy. one of my vampires has pretty much disappeared, for reasons i understand but which don’t really need to be mentioned here. another hasn’t disappeared, but is spending much time in offline-land (also for reasons i understand). i miss both of them. at the same time i’ve decided that i really don’t want to donate randomly anymore, because it really made me feel cheap and was mostly just not worthwhile. thankfully i found another vampire whom i donate to more or less regularly; but i’m really not getting to donate as much as would be good for me.

it is rather stressful for me, obviously. but beyond that it’s led me to wonder about the whole remote-feeding and feeding people one meets online thing. even the ones i donate to regularly were chosen more because they were available, and less because of having an established relationship with them. in an act of irony, the energy vampire i’ve built a longer, more serious relationship with doesn’t want to feed from me. but what i’m wondering is, how do other people who feed or donate mainly to people they know online handle the inherent looseness of many relationships which are built online?

in sociology, we speak of weak ties when we refer to the kind of casual relationships which are built in facebook and other social networking sites. they’re not inherently bad, but they can be very casual and can be cut quite easily. from some vamps i get the impression that they go trawling the net, manipulating people who are barely aware of what is happening into opening links to them, and feeding from them. and i know that this would be a feasible method, there are enough places where vampires hang out, and it’s stupidly easy to make them desire you. but it is not what i want.

now i know that long-term relationships can be built online, but they are rare and take time. i look forward to the time i have a vampire to donate to who is local to me, who i have strong ties to, who won’t just disappear on me. i guess i have to be patient.

negotiations

as promised i have added another new page, concerning negotiations in vampire/donor relationships. i am firmly convinced that whatever kind of relationship you have with another, whether it be purely vanilla, something kinky, or indeed one between a vampire and a donor, one of the most important factors to the success of the relationship lies in working things out with each other.

the less conventional the relationship, the more it becomes important that you know what you and your partner(s) are getting out of it. and there’s few relationships out there as unconventional as the one between vampire and donor.

i think there’s going to be at least one more text in the safety series, but it’s going to take a little while. and that’s about it for now.

jealousy take two

in my last post i announced that i wanted to talk about jealousy, and i did start that post yesterday, but got utterly stuck. then late last night somebody (jinx, but it’s an anonimous email) posted this comment to the post:

So tell us more about the H and S vampires. Why are you drawn to them? Are you cheating on C? What do you these people give you?

and actually these are very good hooks for me, and i hope to be able to structure my post with them. so whoever you are, jinx, thanks for the questions.

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daily life

vampirism, and being a donor, sounds like a very exciting life. there’s intense emotions, intimacy, needs, feeding, blades, and not at all last there’s blood. but when you look a little closer it is a lot less exciting. as a donor, what do i actually do that’s related to vampirism? not that very much. i check out the vcmb and blackswanhaven, i might have a quick look at a few other places, late at night i’ll log into chat where we mainly joke around. i’ll talk with H most days, but she usually doesn’t feed from me more than two or three times a week.

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jealousy

this is something which took me a little by surprise. i don’t think i’ve ever been a particularly jealous person. i’ve never envied other people’s relationships, even when they’ve made me feel painfully lonely. i’ve never hedged any ill-wishes towards those who were lucky enough to be loved by the ones i loved; if anything i extended my love to include them. yet now i find myself feeling jealous of other donors, and i do not like these feelings; they are ugly to me.

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